Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Story: Tale of Four Mates

Story: Tale of Four Mates 


       Ravana and Rama grew up together in a small town near the beach. They both were in their mid-20s and were in search of their soulmates. Rama was a super shy guy who loved to read, while Ravana was an adventurous guy who could strike up a conversation with anyone. One day, when taking a jog in the neighborhood, Rama saw a pretty lady gardening. He contemplated if he should go up to her and say hi, or keep jogging. As he got closer and closer to the lady, he became more and more nervous. It was now or never; he was right next to her house. As he passed her, he knew instantly he should have stopped and talked to her.
       The next day he went for another jog. The lady was outside once again, and this time, Rama knew he had to say something. He jogged straight to her and introduced himself. Having just one conversation was enough for Rama. He told Ravana all about Sita, the lady he had met. Ravana was excited that Rama found a girl he was fully into. Ravana met Sita and thought she was the perfect person for Rama. Ravana found her pretty, a bit nerdy, and loved her personality. After a few days and months, Rama and Sita decided to get married. 

Sita putting a garland on Rama symbolizing their marriage. Photo credits : Holydham

      Ravana was, of course, Rama’s best man. Now that Rama had found his partner for life, Ravana felt slightly sad. He was still single and wanted to find someone to share his life with. A few years went by and Rama, Sita, and Ravana became even closer.
      The three of them decided to take a trip together to the Bahamas. On the trip, Ravana met a woman named Shurpanakha. He found her to be beautiful and could really see himself marrying her. He loved that Shurpanakha was a bold person who did not let anyone push her around. She was very strong mentally and physically. He had always thought he would find a woman who was just like her.
      As their relationship progressed, it seemed as if Shurpanakha would prefer to invite Rama and Sita along with her and Ravana, rather than spend time with Ravana alone. Shurpanakha would even at times ask Rama if he would want to go get dinner with her when Ravana was busy. Ravana didn’t think much of it, since Rama was his best friend, and was married. Sita started to become jealous and told Rama that she believed Shurpanakha was in love with him. Rama kept telling Sita that Shurpanakha loved Ravana and that he would never think of anyone else to be as wonderful as her. Sita finally agreed that their marriage was strong, and nothing would ever happen to it.
      One day, when Sita was at work, Shurpanakha showed up to Rama’s and Sita’s house. Rama opened the door and let her in. She told him that Ravana had told her to go to their house and he was coming in an hour. Rama didn’t think Shurpanakha was lying since she and Ravana would come over all the time. As time passed by, Rama asked Shurpanakha if he should call Ravana and see if he was on his way. Shurpanakha told him there was no need because Ravana texted her saying he would be there in 30 minutes.
      Rama offered Shurpanakha some wine. As he was handing her the drink, she hit the glass and spilled it all over Rama’s shirt. She quickly apologized and got a towel. Rama tried to take the towel from her to wipe off the wine, but Shurpanakha wanted to wipe the wine of herself. Rama began to feel a bit awkward. He told her it was okay, and that he would just change his shirt. She kept insisting that she could clean it off for him. As Shurpanakha was wiping Rama’s shirt, she leaned closer and closer to his face. Once she was close enough she kissed Rama. Rama immediately stood up. He was in shock and questioned Shurpanakha. She began to strip and tell Rama that she never loved Ravana and believed she only met him to find her way to Rama. Rama asked Shurpanakha to leave that very moment and told her he was married to Sita. As Shurpanakha was gathering her clothes, Sita walked into the house.
      She was in utter shock at what she saw. She started to cry, yell at Shurpanakha, and ask Rama how he could do this to her. Rama tried to explain himself, but Shrupanakha overpowered his voice. She told Sita that this wasn’t the first time she and Rama were together. Sita stormed out of the house and vowed to Rama he would never see her again. Rama went after her, but Sita was too far gone. He tried and tried to get Sita to return to him, but in the end, she never came back. Ravana broke it off with Shurpanakha, and both friends were once again left to be single.

Author's Notes: 
This is a story is based off when Rama was exiled, and Sita went away with him. Along their journey, they went to a forest and met a lady named Kamavali ( Shurpanakha). She instantly tries to marry Rama and remove Sita from the picture. She points out that she is not like her brother Ravana who still lives the demon lifestyle. As Sita is saved by Lakshmana ruining Kamavali's plan, Rama remains with Sita. I decided to change the ending of the story. Instead of Ravana being Rama's enemy, he actually is his good friend. I changed Ravana to be a human throughout this story and not a form of a rakshasa. I also decided to make Shurpanakha a brand-new character that is not related to Ravana although she is in the original tale. She still in a way uses Ravana to get to Rama. She even told her brother that she did not care what he did with Sita, as long as he got her far away from Rama. Even though in the original text this was not said directly, I thought Shurpanakha used her own brother to get what she wanted. Though Sita catches on that Shurpanakha really wants Rama, Rama gives Shurpanakha the benefit of the doubt and believes she isn't after him. In the end of the original story, Rama and Sita stay together and do not let Shurpanakha come in between them, but clearly this is not what happened in this story.


Bibliography : 
Narayan's Ramayana, By Kamban & R. K Narayan, 1972, Bizzell Reserves.

13 comments:

  1. I really enjoyed your take on this story! I also wrote about the debacle that was Sita, Rama, Shurpanakha, and Ravana's story although from Shurpanakha's perspective. Your version I think is almost more sad than the original because at least in the Ramayana, Rama and Sita end up together again. I liked the difference of Rama and Ravana being best friends though rather than mortal enemies and am glad that their friendship at least didn't seem to suffer.

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  2. Whoooooaaahhhh! What a different and unexpected twist to the story! I loved it! I actually began to laugh when I realized where this was going, and kept raising my eyebrows higher and higher and higher with each sentence. A nice play on words for the title could have been something along the lines of "Shades of Rama" to indicate where this was going and how you modernized it. Ha! It was a sad ending, but I like that you diverged from the original.

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  3. Hey Marisha! You did a great job mixing up the story; I really liked the direction you went with at the end especially! Next time maybe look at using paragraphs throughout so it is a bit easier for the reader to get through. I also liked that you used a traditional photo with your story because it really gives the reader the feeling of being in India!

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  4. Great story! I love that you built the original into a type of love triangle with Rama, Sita, and Shrupanakha. I also like that you made it more modern, with Rama and Ravan as best friends who grew up together and were finally ready to look for a woman to settle down with.

    I do think that your story could use some separation. The only time your ideas are separated is when you inserted the picture and then it’s just a solid wall of text after that. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a little intimidating. Some paragraphs would help the flow and separate the thought processes. The only other thing that I noticed was some grammar errors that I think are mainly the result of changing the sentence one too many times and not noticing the previous sentence was still partially there!

    Overall, I really like that you changed the story so much. I never would have thought to make it into a love triangle with both of them losing in the end!

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  5. I like how you modernized Rama and Sita's relationship. They're much more relatable now than they were when they were royalty.

    What I would suggest is, like Michael said, separating that last paragraph into multiple paragraphs. Dividing this section into several based on the setting or scene would help the reader. It's difficult to keep track of right now.

    Unless you're planning on expanding this story into several, I would suggest providing more background for the characters. The modern versions of these characters could more closely parallel the original characters from the Ramayana.

    There were a few typos or awkward phrases that should be changed:
    In the last sentence, there's the phrase "both friends were once left again to be single." The word order would flow better if it said "both friends were once again..."
    Another minor note is that the word "tries" is spelled as "trys" in the author's note.

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  6. This take on the Ramayana story is so clever. I like that you just borrowed one idea from the original story and made the rest of your own details. It really makes this telling yours, not just a repetition of the traditional stories. I would be even more interested if there was more information about how Rama tries to get Sita back or what happens to the other characters. What happens to Shrupanhaka? Does she just revert back to being single too? Is Ravana surprised when he finds out what has happened and which version does he think is true(Rama or Shrupanhaka's side)? Does Ravana and Rama's friendship last?

    The only other comment I have is that I did notice a grammatical error in your second paragraph. "Them three" doesn't sound correct, and even if it is technically, I think "the three of them" just sounds better. Otherwise, excellent story! I am excited for the rest of your portfolio.

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  7. I really enjoyed reading your story! I have been modernizing some of my stories that I have done and enjoyed reading your modernization of Rama and Sita.
    One thing that I would suggest doing is to try to add a little dialogue from the characters. It does not have to be much but any extra dialogue helps the reader relate more to the story.
    Another suggestion is to possibly introduce the characters more so that the reader knows all of the background information and who everyone is.
    Lastly, just to read your story out loud again to try to find the typos of punctuation errors. There were a few errors I noticed while reading.
    Overall, I really liked how you changed the story. I never expected the turn coming at the end with the love triangle and having everyone result in being single as it was at the beginning.

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  8. Bentleigh AlbertOctober 6, 2016 at 1:23 PM
    I loved the modern twist on this story! You did a great job with it and it was very easy to read.
    As far as editing, I didn’t notice any major issues. Your writing looked great. One minor thing is that in the paragraph where you talk about them deciding to go to the Bahamas together, there are a few sentences with some unnecessary commas. Specifically, sentences 3 and 5. I only noticed that because it’s something I do all the time and always have to go back and fix.
    I also, in this sentence: “Shurpanakha wanted to wipe the wine of herself.” Did you mean to type “off” instead of “of”?
    Other than those very minor details, I thought it looked great! You did an awesome job of sticking to the general plot while giving it a more modern flair and then also adding some plot twists. The storyline was great and made total sense. The ending was very dramatic! I didn’t see it coming. I really enjoyed reading the whole story!

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  9. I really liked the modernized version of doing the source material up this way. You did a really good job with this one. Your tone and narrative style are maintained throughout the piece very well. It was easy to read and it flowed very well throughout. The twist at the end does a great job of really surprising the reader in a intriguing way. There's not really any big glaring issues that I see with the piece. You've done a really good job with the story and your writing style is really nice here. You could really probably expand this into something longer or make several more stories like this for your portfolio and it'd make for a great collection. I'm not sure if you're done editing this or not, but whether you make any changes or not, I look forward to reading your future pieces. Good luck with any and all revisions with your story.

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  10. I think your story flowed really well and there was very little wrong with it. The only ones I saw were these listed.

    Paragraph 1: "guy" is repeated. Possible change:
    "Rama was a super shy guy who loved to read, while Ravana was the adventurous one who could strike up a conversation with anyone."

    Paragraph 1: repetition. Possible change:
    "As he got closer to the lady, he became more and more nervous."

    Paragraph 4: comma needed
    "She was very strong, mentally and physically."

    Overall, I really enjoyed how you told this story. There was a love story, an awful betrayal, and the ultimate test of friendship. I especially liked how Rama and Ravana didn't lose their friendship. That even though Sita didn't believe Rama, Ravana did. Im not sure if you soley wanted to focus on Rama and Ravana more than their loves, but I think you developed their characters well.

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  11. This is such a great story. I really liked how you used the characters from the Ramayana and that's it. You were able to create your own story from just these four characters. I really like how you started off the story by establishing Rama and Ravana as best friends. It's interesting because I thought this friendship would not last but it did last the bounds of love. I'm very happy they were able to maintain their relationship. This story makes me feel so sorry for Ravana as he just wanted love! I also really liked how you made your version of Rama have the qualities of being shy and an intellectual of sorts. This is a great change! It was also neat to see Sita completely reject the plea of Rama and just go with the words of another woman. You did a great job with this story and this was a very strong piece to add to your portfolio!

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  12. It makes me happy to see a story where the two characters, who are usually mortal enemies, are actually really close friends! I had some ideas to write some stories like that but it never followed with my plot. I think you did a wonderful job of telling a story of Ravana and Rama being friends! Great descriptions, easy to follow, it did a wonderful job of really making me feel like the two had a close relationship. I was worried a few times that the two would revert to their original states but they never did! And while it sucks that the two ended up being single, I think it was a better way to end rather than three of the four characters dying! I greatly enjoyed reading your story, I feel that it is very refreshing compared to all of the other stories I have read lately. I will definitely be back to read more of your stories in the future! Keep up the good work!

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  13. This was such a great spin-off from the original story. I find it super cool that you made Rama and Ravana best friends. No one would expect that, at all! And it was clever to make Ravana and Surpanaka a couple instead of brother and sister. I wouldn't have thought to change the story in that way. The way that you ended the story was awesome too. I wasn't sure what Surpanaka ws going to do to Rama but I knew it wouldn't be good. The whole spilling of the wine was a clever way to get her closer to Rama. I'm sad that both Rama and Ravana ended up single again but some stories are better without a happily ever after. I wonder if Rama and Ravana try again to find love? Are they more hesitant the next time around. They both got tricked by the same girl so I would anticipate that they are more cautious in the future.

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