I woke up today feeling great. Today was going to be my first day of rounds at the Saint Anthony’s Hospital. Getting to be part of surgeries and having my own patients was exhilarating. I wasn’t fully ready to be a doctor on my own, so I had doctors to mentor me along the way. There was one in particular that was my favorite. His name was Doctor Reed. This man was the kindest, most caring, and greatest teacher I have ever had. He made sure my colleagues and I were sharp in knowledge and performance.
Coming up we had a very important heart transplant surgery. Everyone wanted in on it. The attendees were sucking up to the doctors and going the extra mile to stand out. I myself was taking 48-hour shifts just so I could be noticed. I had never seen a heart transplant, especially for a child under the age of 18.
This young girl was diagnosed with arrhythmias (abnormal heart rhythm). Her name was Lily, and I had been on her case ever since she was transferred to our hospital. Lily was so tiny, and her smile was contagious. She would be the first on my list for rounds, and just because of that my day would start off great. Days were going by and her time was running out.
When I went into her room to do a regular check up she called me close to her. In my head, I thought she was going to tell me a joke. This girl loved to make everyone laugh. She always told me, "I don't want to end a conversation with anyone until I have made them laugh at least once.” Lily wanted everyone to have a bright day, every day.
As I leaned in I could feel the fear from her trembling hands as they grabbed hold onto mine. Lily then whispered to me. I tried to contain my tears as she slowly said, “Doctor Rendon, am I going to have to say goodbye to everyone from the bed of this hospital?”
I instantly stared into her eyes and said, “Lily, I promise you will see the sunlight, smell the flowers, and get to play in the water before your time comes.”
I quickly finished my check-up routine and paged Doctor Reed to meet me. I told him what the girl had told me, and tried to get him to move her to the top of the transplant list. He told me there wasn’t much that he could do since Lily wasn’t in critical condition. I began to pray any second I had for this little girl.
A week went by and her condition was getting worse. She was now the third on the list. I didn’t know what to do. I even ran every test I could think of twice to try and see if there was anything in her check-ups that could bump her up.
I woke up one day to a page stating that her heart was here. I was ecstatic and drove as fast as I could to get to the hospital. I stepped into her room and saw an empty bed. I then ran to the board where all the surgeries and their assigned rooms were listed. I assumed I was late and they had already started. When I came to the board, her name wasn’t on there. I asked the closest nurse to me where Lily was. She grabbed my hand and told me Lily had passed away about fifteen minutes ago.
Bibliography:
Author’s Notes:
I was really interested in writing a spinoff on the story of Manu and the little fish. In this story, a human comes across a little fish, who is actually Vishnu in disguise, and asks him to save him from being eaten by the big fish. Manu, the human, feels empathy for him and takes him from the water and transfers him to a little pot. As the fish grows Manu kept transferring him to a bigger and bigger container. Manu disturbs the law of the jungle by saving the fish from being eaten. This action of his changes the fish's destiny and therefore disturbs nature. In this story the little girl, Lily, is the fish. Doctor Rendon is Manu, and Doctor Reed's reasoning of how he could not do anything to make Lily go up on the transplant list was the representation of “The Law of the Jungle.” In this story, however, Doctor Redon (Manu) tries to help Lily (the fish) but could not do so in the end. This made the acts of nature to flow without any disruptions. I feel that in reality there are a lot more sad endings than happy one with tragic stories such this one. I also decided to add a video that provides music to help set the mood of the story.
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| This is a form of a "law" thats part of "The Law of The Jungle". The big fish eating the little fish. "Only the fit survive, and Might is right" Photo credits: Dreams Time |
This was a super neat way of putting a story about nature into a more modern, albeit heartbreaking context. I enjoyed the narrator's determination and willingness to help, but just like the story of Manu and the fish, it's true that sometimes there isn't anything you can do and after a certain point. It was a sad story for sure, but you did a nice job.
ReplyDeleteI've never read the original story, but this was such an interesting story, if more than a little depressing. I really like that you put it into a modern context that pulled on the heartstrings. I think it's something everyone has thought about at some point in their lives, even if it is just in speculation. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was a very entertaining story. I had not read the original story so I had no idea what to expect but I really thought that the little girl would make it out okay. This story was very well written and did a great job of capturing my attention. However, I found it very difficult to read due to the fact that it is written in red font.
ReplyDeleteConsidering I love watching Grey's Anatomy I thought this was a great idea for a story! The ending was sad but also a part of life that made it realistic, I appreciate stories like that. You did a great job on your Author's note in retelling the original story. I know I have not read that story yet so it is nice to be able to compare and contrast the original story to the retold one.
ReplyDeleteI noticed just a few minor grammatical errors list below. Nothing big. Other than that really enjoyed reading your rendition of Manu and the Little Fish!
--> "...I have been on her case every since she was transferred to our hospital."
I think you mean "ever" here.
-->" ...that my day would start of great."
off, no of
--> "...had made them laugh at least once”.
The period should go inside the quotation.
Your story was SO incredibly touching. The attention to detail was strategic, and I fully believed in your characters. I really enjoy taking these stories and making them contemporary, so I especially enjoyed this. You've already addressed your comments for editing, so I won't post those. Great story, I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story but was sad when I read the ending. I think you did a good job at engaging the reader in this story. I wish you would have expanded the story a bit so maybe try doing the lengthening challenge to make the reader get even more invested. I caught a few small grammatical errors like spelling and punctuation but they can be easily fixed if you just read it out loud. I hadn’t read the story prior to this and so I really enjoyed your spin off once I read your author’s notes. I think writing all of your stories form a hospital view point would be a unique spin to your blog that would have some rally interesting stories. I don’t know if that is possible but if it is I think you should take it into consideration. Overall you did a great job and I am excited to rad more of your writing.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. The way you presented Lily made her really lovable, which made the ending even sadder! I was so excited that Lily was going to get her heart, and that she would be able to live as happily as she made others, and learning that she had died a mere 15 minutes before your character got there was a twist that I was not expecting. I felt genuinely sad. You did a great job of letting the audience get to know Lily, it made the emotional ending very effective. Also, you did a great job of making the audience as excited for Lily's heart as the narrator was. I also enjoyed that the narrator began by stating how excited they were to start their new job saving lives, but they quickly realized how unfair life can be. Thanks for a good read, can't wait to check back on your portfolio.
ReplyDeleteYour story was so sad! I was gripped by it the whole time. I really wanted to see if the girl lived or died. The fact that she died was tragic, but it also felt more honest. I haven’t read the story you based it on, but I liked the “nature can’t be stopped,” aspect a lot. You did a great job of getting that message across.
ReplyDeleteIt’s also impressive you managed to get all that emotion packed in with so few words. You managed to make the reader care about the girl enough to hope for the best, but expect the worst in something like six hundred words. That’s some pretty efficient writing.
I went ahead and ran it through Grammarly. There were a grammar issues it wanted to correct but only like three or four. I think it’s a really helpful program. It’s free if you want to use it too. It finds a lot more mistakes than my regular spell check does.
I was immediately really excited when I started reading your story because I used to work at St. Anthony Hospital! It is such an amazing hospital and I was excited to see it incorporated into your story. But then your story broke my heart!!!! It was so well-written though. I always like the challenge of trying to write a sad story. You did such a great job! The detail was extremely vivid. I think it made your readers sad, but that just means your accomplished your goal! Great job!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I got to start off by mentioning the track at the beginning. It was really cool to have music in the background as I read! It set the tone for the whole passage. The added music made this story made this story so much sadder.
ReplyDeleteI have not had a chance to read the original story of Manu and Vishnu, but your version was wonderful too! I decided to read your author's note before I read the story, so I had an idea of what to expect. The original and "the law of nature" sounds really interesting. I want to work in the health field in the future so I'm immersed in it now. One thing that always pains me to see is patients not getting the solutions they need just because the doctors have to prioritize. I think it's important to do but when you know a patient on a personal level, it just hurts more.
This story was really well written. Needless to say, you pulled a whole lot of heart strings. You did a really great job of creating these characters. Even though we were looking through the eyes of the med student, you were able to show who the other characters were too. Great job!
This story was actually so sad. I also really loved the track that you mentioned at the beginning. I have not come across any stories with a background music to be played to set the tone so it was definitely a new addition for me as a reader and I really liked it.
ReplyDeleteYou did a really nice job of creating such a clear picture for the reader to visualize and a great job with the characters. I was attached to the story the entire time and the sad ending at the end killed me. I was expected her to get a transplant and survive but it didn't. The story was extremely detailed and that helped me with feeling like I was actually at the hospital. I think you did a really nice job with this story and I enjoyed reading it.
Hi, Marisha! I really like the idea of including background music into you story. Many people just write the story but you really thought about the readers and ways in which you could set up the appropriate ambiance for them. The story itself was amazing. It really does bring light to the fact that no matter how good of a person we are, there will always be things that we can’t control. I did catch some grammatical errors but other people have already commented on it so I will not. The only thing I would want to change about the story is the ending. I feel as if it ended too abruptly and we as an audience never got to see how everyone reacted/coped with the death. Maybe you could expand more on what happened after the death of Lily. That way, I feel as if the story will feel more like it finished and not so much like there’s going to be a sequel, if that makes sense haha. I might be the only one who feels like this so don’t worry too much about it, it’s just a little suggestion. Other than that, I really did enjoy your story. I love medical related stuff and I really enjoyed how you were able to incorporate so many emotions into your writing. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete